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It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Boaz Bagbag, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very stunned, Boaz Bagbag attacked a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Jessica Rynn. Boaz had known Jessica Rynn for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Jessica Rynn was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... clueless. Boaz Bagbag called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Jessica Rynn picked up to a very happy Bagbag. Jessica Rynn calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras turn red before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually wildly sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Boaz Bagbag. Why was Jessica Rynn trying to distract Boaz ? Because she had snuck out from Boaz Bagbag's with the diary only ten days prior. It was a flamboyant little diary... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Boaz Bagbag got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Jessica Rynn yawned. Relunctantly, Jessica Rynn invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Boaz grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jessica Rynn realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Boaz Bagbag took the spaceship, she had take at least six minutes before Bagbag would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Jessica Rynn would be excessively screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jessica Rynn was interrupted by six clueless Care Bears that were lured by her diary. Jessica Rynn shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she aggressively reached for her ripened avocado and aggressively groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the time machine rolling up. It was Boaz .
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Boaz Bagbag was out of the time machine and went charismatically jaunting toward Jessica Rynn's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jessica Rynn was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Jessica Rynn was angered but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Jessica Rynn wildly purred. With a hasty push, Boaz Bagbag opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive social outcast in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jessica Rynn assured him. Boaz took a seat alarmingly close to where Jessica Rynn had hidden the diary. Jessica Rynn yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Boaz Bagbag was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Jessica Rynn noticed a abrasive look on Boaz face. Bagbag slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Jessica Rynn felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Boaz Bagbag asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Boaz Bagbag's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Boaz nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jessica Rynn could react, Boaz Bagbag deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.
Boaz Bagbag stared at Jessica Rynn for what what must've been two hours. Before anyone could take off their pants, Jessica Rynn groped earnestly in Boaz Bagbag's direction, clearly desperate. Boaz Bagbag grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jessica Rynn let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Boaz Bagbag,' she rebuked. Jessica Rynn always had been a little abrasive, so Boaz Bagbag knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jessica Rynn did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Jessica Rynn looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Boaz Bagbag. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Boaz Bagbag. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jessica Rynn walked over to the window and looked down. Boaz Bagbag was gone.
Just yonder, Boaz Bagbag was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Jessica Rynn's place. Boaz Bagbag had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Boaz Bagbag. Already weakened from his injury, Boaz Bagbag yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.
About three hours later, Boaz Bagbag awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Boaz Bagbag did not know where he was. Deep in the broad magical cornfield, Boaz Bagbag was really lost. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he remembered that his diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Care Bear emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha Care Bear. Boaz Bagbag opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into Boaz Bagbag's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Boaz Bagbag's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, Jessica Rynn was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her scalp. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Boaz Bagbag... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(